Orale, pedorros, life is good in the hood for Sanchito right about now. Thanks to the faithful disciples of the "Sancho Nation," and the sales from my book "Sanchito's Way," the magnificent one is now the proud owner of a pimped-out '81 Cutlass. Damn, homitos, this ranfla is a beauty! Baby blue, lots of chrome, on 13-inch wires, the chiquitas don't even stand a chance, ese! All I have to do now is switch over from the old ranfla my fuzzy dice and my "I Love Hoodrats" bumper sticker.
And the timing couldn't be better, camaradas, because summer is right around the corner and you know what that means. Pisto, carne asada, more pisto and fine ranas in little tops and booty shorts getting all pedas. This year we will be holding the first annual "Ms. Sancho USA wet T-shirt pageant," so, mijas, go ahead and start submitting your photos or DVDs and a few lines on why you should be considered for the crown. The screening for fine ranas will begin in two weeks, and we will only be choosing 10 lucky ladies. Of course, the magnificent one will be on the panel of judges so scoring some "extra" points with the judge before the contest is always highly recommended... haha, sabes como te digo?
You know what else is around the corner? Father's Day, so be trucha, camaradas! Father's Day is just a day for all of your baby mamas to set you up. They lure you in with a day of recognition, a few gifts, and as soon as you take the credit, bam, they got you for child support for years to come. The snakes are in the grass, homitos, you can believe that!What wilas do we have in the Sancho box?
Julia from Los Angeles writes: Hey Sancho, I'm having some issues with my new boy and he's pissing me off! It's like he plays stupid when he wants to go out with his friends. He'll just leave me a voice message or text message and he's gone, then we won't talk for a few days. It's stupid and he just plays it off like nothing is wrong. What do I do?
Check it out, chiquita, Sancho is going to bless you with some clecha. Relationships are like battles, and this is a crucial point for you and your boy. You need to treat your boy like a perro and set him straight early or else forget about it later. Let the old boy know where you stand and hold your ground, pestosa. He will either respect it and the two of you will find a middle ground for a minute, or he's going to shake you like a salt shaker and go shack up with your prima.
Ricky from Wisconsin writes: Sancholino, I got baby mama drama and I need a quick exit strategy. My baby's mama lives with me at my jefa's pad and I feel like I can't even take a masa without her breathing down my neck, know what I mean? I love my son and all, but I think that his mama gots to go. Speak to me, homeboy.
Ricky from the "Cheese State"? Orale, cheese boy, as long as you don't got a tail you can have as much cheese as you want, ese. Even if it's from your lady's thighs... hahaha, tu sabes. Homie, if you're calling me "Sancholino," it's because you're a disciple of the Nation? If not, then get down and give me 113 burpies, ese! With navy seals, homeboy. Now about your problem, listen, homes, no one told you to go to war without a strap-on, right? So deal with it, tapado. You got to be like water and just flow around any obstacle. Put into action the Jedi mind trick techniques and finesse your rana and she'll back off. Don't be a mental midget and put that good for nada brain of yours into action, cheese boy!